The Destroyer Fell In Love With Me

Bonjour mes amis! So, you're probably thinking, "Le Destructeur? Like, the apocalyptic, bringer-of-doom kind of Destroyer? Fell in love? With you?" And to that, I say, bien sûr! Life is rarely boring, especially when you’re me.

It all started innocently enough. I was at the grocery store, battling the usual Sunday afternoon crowd for the last baguette. Then, BAM! The air crackled, the lights flickered, and suddenly there he was. Le Destructeur, in all his glory. Think tall, brooding, with a seriously impressive collection of skulls on his... belt? Yeah, belt. Fashion choices were a bit…unique.

Now, I'm no stranger to bizarre encounters. I once had a pigeon try to steal my croissant. But this? This was next level. He just…stared. Deeply. Intensely. Like he was trying to decide if I was a worthy sacrifice or the key to unlocking ultimate power. You know, typical first date vibes.

The Courtship Begins (and Ends the World... Almost)

His initial attempts at wooing were, shall we say, a bit rough around the edges. Instead of flowers, he brought me a miniature black hole. Romantic, I guess? Except it kept trying to suck up my furniture.

He also serenaded me. With the screams of tortured souls. It was…an experience. I politely suggested maybe a less…genocidal playlist next time. You know, a little Edith Piaf? Some Serge Gainsbourg? Baby steps, right?

Turns out, the whole "destroying civilizations" thing was a bit of a turn-off for me. I mean, I like a guy with ambition, but there's a difference between wanting a promotion and wiping out entire galaxies. A big difference. I tried to explain the concept of "indoor voice" to him when he started ranting about overthrowing the celestial council at dinner, but he wasn't really getting it.

The problem was, he was smitten. Absolutely, irrevocably smitten. He followed me everywhere. Even to yoga class. Picture it: downward-facing dog, zen music…and a seven-foot-tall Destroyer breathing heavily in the back, radiating enough dark energy to power a small city.

Dealing with a Destructive Admirer

Let me tell you, breaking up with the Destroyer is not like breaking up with your average Joe. You can’t just send a text message. Or ghost him. Trust me, he knows where you live. He probably created your apartment building in the first place, just to be closer to you. (Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. Slightly.)

I eventually had to call in a favor from a friend, a minor deity with a penchant for paperwork, who found a loophole in the cosmic bylaws. Apparently, Destroyers aren't allowed to date mortals who prefer picnics to planetary annihilation. Go figure.

The goodbye was…dramatic. Think thunder, lightning, and a whole lot of existential angst. But hey, at least my apartment is still standing. For now.

The Moral of the Story?

So, what's the takeaway from all this? Well, first, be careful who you make eye contact with at the grocery store. You never know when you might accidentally become the object of affection for an interdimensional being with a penchant for chaos. And second, always read the fine print in your cosmic dating profile.

Besides, who needs a Destroyer when you have a perfectly good croissant and a strong Wi-Fi signal? Priorities, mes chéris, priorities.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I hear someone knocking…and it sounds suspiciously like the earth shattering again…